A Long Love Letter

Dear boyfriend,

It’s been 2 days since our anniversary and I haven’t seen you or heard your voice for around 2 weeks. I should be worried – desperately saying a prayer or two that you aren’t thinking of any other girl but me – but I’m not. And I guess that’s one of the reasons why we’ve lasted this long in the first place.

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I trust you – and I was never this trusting for a while before I had you. I had my walls up and never really wanted to assume anything before, which may have led to a few ended friendships here and there. I fled when emotions showed their colors because I was scared. I wasn’t ready. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to be with anyone just yet. 

But then you came along with your humorous ego and charming smile. And you asked the right questions, and you remembered the most trivial things. “I hope you still made it to your last bow,” said a text message of yours, two years back. Yes, I still have the memory… I took my final bow on stage thinking about a guy who remembered something I had simply said in passing.

In retrospect, I think it’s funny how our story started. We had wrong impressions about each other, and we always wanted to be a step ahead. We kept flirting, but we were wary not to say anything that could’ve been taken out of hand. Coy inside jokes were common, ones that would always fish about how the other felt. Seemingly harmless questions asking about each other’s pasts were there too. And we may have been a little too honest answering those that night after a party. 

But then came the trigger for a more serious conversation, one brought about by the mention of you leaving for another country… I saw your face the moment it was mistakenly said out loud. I wasn’t supposed to hear it, I guess – at least not yet. And maybe I should have ignored it too. It was too soon anyway, we could’ve been just another person in each other’s lives. But I felt like I was losing our little game, and as much as I didn’t want to talk about it, I did… In an empty parking lot, on a weeknight – how tragically romantic.

I remember thinking about how the heck I was going to bring it up without sounding like such a girlfriend. Okay, I’ll just ask him about it casually. And then what? Think, Roxci, think! Don’t look desperate! What if I casually bring up me dating other guys after? I don’t really want to, but maybe he’ll show a semblance of hesitance – and then I’d win again! And so that happened, and it took you a while to answer. I guess you were thinking carefully too and maybe at one point you were trying to read me as well. Does she want to date other guys? Why is she even asking this? Should I let her so that she won’t think I want to be serious? Will I lose the ‘game’ if I say otherwise?

Fast forward to today, March 8 2015, and we’ve been together for 2 years, and been official for 1 year. Others say that we should only count the official days, but I beg to differ because I know that we went through a lot in that one year of exclusive dating.

We’ve both grown so much, babe. Sometimes I feel that because of the paths we’re currently in, we were forced to mature – and by that I mean thrown out of our comfort zones during a time when people our age would usually cling on to them for dear life. It was scary at first and there were so many times when I felt that the ground was taken right from under me. But now that I’ve thought about it, you’ve been a constant figure in my life for two years now, despite everything. 

You were there when we both thought we needed to impress each other by partying and letting the other see how “valuable” we were. 

You were there when I got drunk (the second time I’ve ever been in my life) and you didn’t take advantage of me but instead brought me home and faced a scolding from my parents. But then again, I was also there when you got drunk, and I drove us home, took care of you while you threw up and made you sleep wearing my dad’s clothes. Hahah!!

You were there, even after falling victim to my habits of pushing away people, even after you saw my horrible fits of insecurity and vulnerability, and even after I almost killed you when I made pesto pasta for our dinner – despite me knowing that you were allergic to nuts. 

You were there when I’d cry – the trip from Subic, the nights spent thinking about us being in separate countries, the Sumilon getaway – and never did you once make me feel that I was all alone.

You were there when I was going through a personal crisis and you did what you could to make sure I’d still have someone to confide in and someone to count on to make me smile – even when you were already in a different country.

You were there – always willing to help me stand up after a fall and always one of the first to cheer me on.

I love you so much, babe… I’ve never been more sure about anyone before and I’m glad that I have you to make me feel this way. I can’t wait to see how our plans work out in the next year or two. Maybe we’ll both be in the same country again, and maybe you’ll finally agree to us having a puppy – one that I’ll train to sleep on your side of the bed just to annoy you. Maybe you’ll be grumpy when you get home from a bad day at work, and maybe I’ll burn a couple of dinners so we’ll have to call in for take out. 

I go crazy thinking about all the possible scenarios that can happen, babe. It’s one of the things I do to past the time – especially since you’re away. But I love doing this, because it makes me think of you. It makes me think of home. :)

Belated happy anniversary, my love. :) Here’s to more happy years of being kupal, sweet, and everything in between! :))